Healing troubled marriages

Retrouvaille program helps families most in need

By PATRICIA BARTOS
Senior Staff Writer, Pittsburgh Catholic

“It’s the Catholic Church’s best-kept secret,” a North Hills woman said of the Retrouvaille program, which helps couples in troubled marriages.

She speaks from experience.

It was in “year 16” of their now-almost 30-year marriage that she and her husband neared divorce. The specific issue was infidelity, but it emerged after they had been living almost separate lives — he, engrossed in his work and traveling to advance his business career, and she, working and caring for the home and their three children.

The children are not aware of the specifics, she said, asking that her name not be used.

They drifted until one day, she recalled, “I got a call that my husband was caught with someone else.

“It was a huge blow. I lost my faith. I didn’t trust him.”

Her sister recommended that the couple make a Retrouvaille weekend.
An outgrowth of the Marriage Encounter movement, Retrouvaille (pronounced retro-vye, and French for rediscovery) was designed specifically to help couples in troubled marriages.

“It was amazing the barriers it broke down between us,” she said of the weekend. “It gave us a foundation, a new way to look at things, to share. It gave us the marriage we always dreamed we could have.”

Locally, Retrouvaille of Pittsburgh hosts four weekends per year at the Gilmary Center in Moon Township, each drawing some 20 to 25 couples.

The next weekend is set for April 4-6. Call 412-277-3434 to register.
Led by a priest and three married couples, the weekend is demanding and intense.

“It’s like Marriage Encounter on steroids,” she said. “It’s a very tough weekend. We really had to confront ourselves and what problems we brought into this marriage that set up roadblocks from the beginning. I don’t think any of us are as well prepared as we thought we are.”

Their children quickly saw the effects of the Retrouvaille experience.

“They had seen the fights. It was like walking on eggshells in the house. The kids just didn’t know what to do,” she said.

Later, “When they saw us sitting together, they liked that. Instead of trying to sit in between us, they pushed us together. The retreat saved not only our marriage, but it saved our family.”

Maureen Wood, director of the diocesan Office for Family Life and Catechesis, agrees.

“Retrouvaille truly is one of our best-kept secrets,” she said. “Often when couples feel they are at the end of their rope and have no place to turn, if they are lucky enough to learn about Retrouvaille it can save their marriage.”

She added that, “Retrouvaille doesn’t just keep couples together, it restores the loving relationship that once existed and breathes new life into the whole family. Retrouvaille is a family saver.”

After the initial weekend, couples are urged to attend seven follow-up sessions led by two couples, to reinforce the skills they’ve learned.

Retrouvaille dates back some 30 years to Quebec, Canada, when organizers of Marriage Encounter weekends noticed that many couples were trying to solve major problems in their marriages.

With a priest, they adapted the Encounter program, which is designed to boost already strong marriages.

Natalie and Gene Foley of St. James in Wilkinsburg had earlier made two Marriage Encounter weekends, but hadn’t attended the recommended follow-up sessions.

“We just let life take over and didn’t prioritize our marriage,” she said.

They were in year 32 of their now 41-year marriage, with three of their four kids already grown and out of the house, when they saw trouble.

“We were both kind of drifting. We were living separate lives,” Natalie said.
Gene suggested counseling and the counselor suggested Retrouvaille, which surprised her.

They made the weekend, and, this time, did the follow-up sessions.

“It teaches you different communication techniques and to listen to and trust each other,” she said.

Retrouvaille “was the beginning of our understanding,” Gene said. “You look at yourself, why you are who you are, how you act. I’m a controller, she’s a people-pleaser, it was a natural match. It was a real eye-opener.”

But it doesn’t stop with the weekend. “You have to work on it,” he said.
Retrouvaille also offers CORE (Continuing Our Retrouvaille Experience) meetings at Madonna del Castello in Swissvale and St. John Neumann in Franklin Park.

“They kind of give you a shot in the arm, a chance to hear presentations, get together with other couples and laugh and share,” Natalie said.

Today, the Foleys do presentations for the weekends and follow-up sessions.

“We want to give back the healing and blessing we’ve received,” she said, noting that Retrouvaille teaches trust.

“You see it’s possible to begin again.”

Call 1-800-470-2230, or locally 412-277-3434, to register for the weekends, or send an e-mail to 3041@retrouvaille.org. Visit the Web site at www.helpourmarriage.com.