Enriching Your Marriage While Being a Parent

Yes! The baby is finally here; nine months of pregnancy and the experience of childbirth are behind us. Now life can get back to normal!

Or can it? A baby, whether it is the first, third, or eighth, changes a family permanently. We may never get back to the way things used to be—the old "normal." Now we develop a different "normal" taking into account the new little life that God has entrusted to us.

The baby cries during the night. She’s hungry, and we feed her. We are getting less sleep, and are much busier. Before the baby came, we had so much more time to talk, to go out, and to enjoy intimacy. Yet our marriages still need to be fed as well.

To keep our marital relationship stable and strong, we may need to schedule time together. That may sound like the death of spontaneity, but, if we don’t schedule it, other "urgent" items (or even non-urgent things like phone calls) will crowd it out. So whenever the baby is old enough, we might schedule a baby-sitter or ask Grandma if she could watch the baby for a few hours. At times all that we may be able to do is to call a neighborhood teenager to come over for half an hour after dinner while we just take a walk together and talk. Staying in touch with one another is so important during the adjustment time after having a baby—perhaps even more important than before the baby was born.

Our baby will progress into a toddler, a pre-schooler, and a kindergartener, and there are new joys and challenges. Junior begins to talk, and we are so happy and proud. Then Junior learns how to answer back. Our little honey learns to walk, and then falls and cuts her lip, requiring four stitches. Then the little slugger wants to play T- ball, and needs to be driven to practices. We, proud parents, watch from the sidelines during games. Yet this makes us even busier, and we have less time together. At these times we need to know that we are in this together as a couple, sharing both the joys and the challenges.

We need to remember that the primary relationship in a family is the one between husband and wife. It is often said that the best thing a parents can do for their children is to love and value each other as husband and wife. When children are small, they do require a lot of our time. We are our children’s first and primary educator, so we need time to train them. Based on their talents we want to give our children opportunities for sports, the arts, music and socialization with other children. And there may well be trips to the Emergency Room for stitches or broken bones as well as to the doctor for shots and check-ups. Keeping our own relationship strong helps us to do all of these things for our children while also keeping our sanity.

The Right "Kind"

What are some ways to keep our relationship strong? Certainly occasional dates and remembering to spend time together are important, but there are other things that we can do. Reader’s Digest published an article several years ago about the secret that happily married couples share. The answer? These couples had learned how to be kind to one another. For example, it is the husband’s turn to do the dishes, but he had a bad day at work and has a headache. So the wife offers to do them. Or the wife’s co-worker got laid off. She misses her friend and has to pick up the extra work. So her spouse buys her a flower and a card that says "Thinking of you." There are many other ways to show love and concern through acts of kindness. Seeing the need of the other and meeting it by loving service strengthens a relationship. The deed is important, but even more important is the thought and the fact that the other was aware and concerned.

Physical affection can play a big role in keeping our marriages strong. Sexual union is an important part of that, but not the only part. A pat on the shoulder as you pass by, a quick shoulder squeeze, or a kiss on the neck don’t take much time, but actions such as these can let your spouse know that you are still thinking of him and that she isn’t alone. Holding hands while we take that walk together after dinner communicates our love.

In the School of Love

As our children enter grade school, new doors open for them and for us. They are a little older and better able to do things on their own. (They tie their own shoes! They put on their own seat belts!) Middle childhood can seem almost like a break for us. The children often aren’t as needy, and they aren’t teenagers yet. It can, and should, give us new opportunities to enjoy each other’s company.

Establishing the right type of habits and traditions as a couple will help to keep our marriage strong. Again, these traditions are varied and limited only by your imagination and willingness to think of things that will strengthen your marriage. Some suggestions? Why not take a getaway weekend together every year? It doesn’t need to be far or elaborate. It can be a stay at a local budget motel. It is not the cost or the location that matters, but rather the fact that you value each other enough to spend quality time together. Go out for dinner, maybe take in a movie, relax together, kiss and hug. The important thing is to spend some uninterrupted time together, building happy memories. Every five years, at significant anniversaries (like the five, tenth, fifteenth, etc.), perhaps take a longer trip together, spending four or five days away—whatever the budget will allow. To enable this time together to actually happen will require some planning and budgeting. There are always needs and places to spend our money. But if we realize that growing together as a couple is important, we will make that dinner, trip, or vacation a priority in our budget. Packing a lunch rather than going to a restaurant or giving up some immediate "pleasures" like the morning Starbucks coffee and saving that money for time together puts your money where your priority should be—your marriage.

And the time you spend together in planning that day or weekend away is an opportunity for displaying love and growing together. Many couples attest that some of their funniest stories or most treasured memories came from a trip or a weekend together. Unhurried and relaxed time where we enjoy each other’s company is invaluable.

Planning to Succeed

Time together doesn’t need to be expensive. Breakfast together on Saturday mornings can be an easy (and cheap) date. And it provides an opportunity for some uninterrupted time to talk about the past week, the kids, our jobs, etc. Communication about the upcoming week, what needs to be done, and what kid will have what practice where and when may not be the most romantic of conversations, but dealing with the practical in a timely and calm manner goes a long way to lessening the stress of life. Take your calendars to breakfast (or wherever you go to talk) and use part of the time together to plan out the next few weeks. It also gives many opportunities to express love—time to thank your spouses for what he does, time to express your love by willingly volunteering to pick-up Johnny. This time for communication, in addition to removing the stress of having too many directions to go and all at the last minute, can spare little Johnny the embarrassment of being the last child to be picked up from camp because Mommy and Daddy each thought the other was doing it!

Money Matters

But breakfast out, weekends away, and trips together cost money. So do braces, eyeglasses, and track shoes for the kids. It is obvious that raising children costs a lot of money.

It is therefore very importance to know what our financial priorities are, even to the point of writing them down. Both husband and wife should work on this together (maybe at one of those morning breakfasts), so that it is a joint effort and commitment. (As a side point, this is not a discussion for late evening or bedtime when we are tired and may not be thinking as clearly.)

Once priorities are identified it is then important to develop a realistic budget. Look at your monthly income and subtract money for things you can’t change, like mortgage or rent, utilities, insurance, etc.. Make sure that you break periodic payments, like insurance or taxes, into monthly amounts so that you are setting aside money to pay the bill when it does arrive. Then with the reminder of your monthly income establish budget categories for items such as charitable giving, savings, car payments, entertainment (read: time together), gasoline, clothing, and food. (This is not meant to be an exhaustive list.) Two of the categories that are very important, but often get overlooked in a budget, are funds dedicated for God and for each other. Our most important relationships are with God and His church, and with each other. Our budgets should reflect that truth. If our budget is tight, we have to make some decisions on the best allocation of funds. For instance, if time together to strengthen our marriage is one of our priorities, then we can pass up buying three cartons of ice cream when grocery shopping and, instead, use that money to go out for coffee as a couple.

We may also want to consider how much "time" any major purchase costs us, as well as how much money. For instance, if the new television set we are thinking about buying is $1500, how many hours do I need to work at my job in order to pay for it? Include even more hours if we are putting it on a credit card since interest charges will have to be paid as well. Together consider if the purchase is in keeping with our financial priorities and goals. Will this purchase help or potentially hurt our marriage and consequently our family? Financial problems are one of the primary stress factors in a marriage. Sometimes it is better to forego a purchase or buy something less expensive. Also, any decisions concerning major purchases should be done together with thought, discussion and prayer. It is a good rule of thumb not to make any financial commitment unless both husband and wife fully agree. Remember that decisions on purchases can affect our time together, stress level, ability to buy other items and, ultimately, the quality of our relationship.

When Times Are Tough

As our children grow, we too are aging. Illness can creep in and affect our marriages. It could be non-life threatening, such as knee surgery, or it could be cancer or a serious accident. Illness of one of the spouses will impact the marriage and it is important to do whatever is necessary to keep our relationship strong. We may not be able to change the situation, but how we respond will either bring us closer or drive us apart. Along with taking over our spouse’s household responsibilities, we need to remember to express affection and kindness. A thoughtful gesture like buying flowers or a gift, or merely spending quiet time in the same room can communicate our love and support to our spouse. As we give a little extra "T.L.C.", our marriage grows. Our spouse is blessed and we learn more deeply how to give and how to love.

There are times when our communication may break down. We are bickering, or our finances seem out of control, or our parents are all sick, or we lose our jobs, or there is a family death, or some combination of these or other challenges. We may feel overwhelmed. On our wedding day, we promised to stay together for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. No one escapes the pain and challenges of life. Our lives can be difficult, and certainly unpredictable. At these times, the times of pain and difficulty, we need to remind ourselves that we made a vow to each other and we need to see it through, even if it is not fun right now. Getting through difficult times together builds trust and reliance on one another.

Many parishes have couples’ groups, mentoring couples, moms’ prayer chains, etc. available to us. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk to our pastor or a counselor if one or both of us needs to receive outside help. Our problems are not unique, and other people may have wisdom or experience that can help us. Remember that everyone has had problems; their stories can help us, and perhaps our stories will help them.

In It Together

While we are spending time together, working out finances, dealing with sicknesses, major and minor problems, etc., our children continue to grow. They turn into teenagers, and it is to our great benefit to have our marriage relationship on solid ground. Once again, it helps tremendously to know that we are "in this together," for the teen years present new challenges. Even the "best" teenager has his or her moments. They are exploring who they are, and that often entails distancing themselves from mom and dad. Some teens will try alcohol, drugs, vandalism, shoplifting, or engaging in sexual behaviors. We need, as husband and wife, to "present a united front" in dealing with our teenagers. That includes establishing and enforcing limits and consequences.

It may mean telling Susie that she has been on the phone too long and needs to start her homework or, perhaps, not telling her and instead letting Susie experience the natural consequences of her actions (or lack thereof). Each child is different, each scenario is different. Again, we need to have active and healthy communication in our marriages to know what each other is thinking about how to handle our teenagers—seeking a united approach.

Yet even with great communication, we may still disagree about our teenager, or any other family issue. How do we handle those disagreements? The first step is to attempt to discuss the issue in a healthy manner. Late evening, when husband and wife are both likely to be tired, is not the best time to handle differences. When we are tired, we are less likely to be patient or to listen closely, and more likely to snap at each other. Sometimes it even helps to schedule a time to talk about a specific subject, so that we each know that "our side" will be heard.

Also remember that we are a team. That means that we should attack the problem, not each other. One way to do this is to watch the words that we used with one another. For example, "You never listen to me, you big fat oaf!" is not likely to solicit support and understanding from your mate. Instead, your spouse will probably become defensive and maybe even call you a few names, thereby ending the discussion of the problem at hand. The above statement can become: "When you make an important decision without discussing it with me, I feel like my opinion doesn’t matter to you, and that we are not acting as a team. That makes me sad and angry." Avoid saying "you always’ or "you never," yet let your thoughts and feelings be known in a healthy and mature way.

When discussing any problem, it helps to be open to change, and to be prayerful. Sometimes our spouse does have a better idea than we do, or, by both of us being open and prayerful, we discover a third way, a compromise, a better solution—our solution rather than his or her solution. If we have prayed, discussed, and been open, and we still can’t reach agreement, then it may be one of those times when outside help may be beneficial.

Things Go Better With God

In actuality, we need outside help all throughout our marriages—God’s help. He created each of us, and at the end of our lives, wants to welcome each of us into heaven. So He cares about us, our marriages, and our families. He is waiting for us to ask Him into our lives.

We can start by participating in the Eucharist every Sunday, and by regular use of the Sacrament of Reconciliation ("Confession"). The Sacrament of Reconciliation helps us to face our sins and weaknesses, including those that affect our marriages, and to gain God’s forgiveness, mercy, and grace to do better. If possible, it is good to go to the same priest each time for this sacrament, so he can get to know our struggles and perhaps give us some direction.

Regular Mass attendance, together if possible, builds a foundation of prayer and worship into our relationship. And grace flows to us through our reception of Holy Communion, the Body and Blood of Christ. He is there, waiting, ready to grant us His peace and love in the midst of life’s ups and downs.

It is also to our benefit to create a prayerful atmosphere in the home. Praying before meals, and saying a short prayer (such as an "Our Father") together before going to sleep at night points us in the right direction. Then we may add a personal prayer time, using Scripture, a prayer book, or some spiritual reading to aid us in getting started. God created marriage, and He wants it to be everything it can be for us.

And what can it be?

• Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Cor. 13:4-7, RSVCE)

God is Love and because of that, Love is one of the few things that we can carry into heaven with us. May our marriages teach us on this earth about that LOVE.

-Rege and Libbie Flaherty

Ritual Prayer in the Family

We are a ritual people. From the rhythmic patterns of our family’s life to the road to the Super Bowl to our Sunday worship as a community of faith we are a ritual people. In his book, Passages Robert Fulghum wrote about ritual – its place in the ordinary days to its place in the extraordinary crossroad events of our lives. Three characteristics of ritual include: it is an in-between time very much like our adolescent years; its rhythmic pattern of sameness is consoling and comforting; and it is able to reflect the unique quality of events or people. Fulghum suggests that there are three types of ritual – secret rituals we experience alone that mark our passage in a solitary way; public rituals often involve public record (birth certificate) and/or are communal; and private rituals we experience in close more intimate circles of family and friends and mark a shared passage that is communal.

The three types of ritual passage are illustrated in this story. Fulghum was about 12 when his mother finally thought he was old enough to ride the bus alone. Little did she know that he was already way passed busses – having been secretly driving her car in the neighborhood. Remembering that first time, he got into the car, put the keys into the ignition and started the engine. He then put the car into reverse and backed it down to the end of the driveway. Alone, with his heart racing, he thought: the car moved – she is going to kill me and then oh God! I am driving! He shifted the gear into drive and returned the car to the top of the driveway and parked – his hands still tightly clenching the steering wheel. That secret ritual was an important passage – he got into that car a child in danger and emerged a dangerous child. When it was time he passed his driver’s test and was issued a driver’s license. This public ritual was an important passage - he became a licensed driver. At dinner that night, his father proudly presented him with his own set of keys to the family car and remarked what a natural he was behind the wheel. That private ritual celebrated with his family was an important passage – an important crossroad had been traveled.

Clearly, ritual has the power to form and transform the experience of our living. From our birthing to football to our dying we experience ritual. In the context of religion – our prayer is ritual. The elements of our ritual prayer when we gather on Sunday as family of faith include: symbol, sacred text, story, movement, gesture and song. At the sound of Let us pray the Catholics in a seated crowd will stand. When we are at home the degree to which we bring this rich tradition of ritual prayer into our everyday life is the degree to which we are able to make the important connection between the Eucharistic table and our family table – between our ritual prayer at mass and our ritual prayer at home. Take for example the sign of the cross. We walk into the church and we bless ourselves using holy water with the sign of the cross. Our mass begins with the sign of the cross. At the proclamation of the gospel we sign the cross on our forehead, our lips and over our heart praying that the gospel may be always on our mind, on our lips and in our heart. At home we make the sign of the cross when we pray as a family and when we pray alone – when we say grace before we eat – when you bless your children with a cross traced over their forehead before they sleep. As faith filled people, we understand the power of the cross at church – at home - and in our lives.

Parents lead their children along the way of faith through daily routine and difficult choices made every day. Ritual prayer has the power to form and transform all of this. Children hold up a mirror challenging parents along with the rest of us to live with integrity all that we teach them. Teens in their stormy quest for fairness challenge everyone in their path to live justly. Creating an atmosphere in your home, where along with your children you discover God’s presence, is a deliberate and intentional lifestyle. It means choosing to express Christian faith and values in the midst of the ordinary everyday things that crowd your life as well as all of those crossroad events and special holidays in the midst of the joys and sorrows of your living. Developing an intentional pattern of ritual prayer throughout all the days of your child’s life will embed internally the power of prayer and deepen your child’s relationship with God. These will serve your children the whole of their life no matter where the journey takes them.

Following are some simple ways that you can pray ritually as a family:

• At mealtime, use a treasured cup or glass as a blessing cup. Fill it with a favorite family beverage. Use the following words or create your own blessing – Gathered as family in faith we raise our Blessing Cup in prayer. May God bless us and keep us in his care. Each person then takes a drink from the Blessing cup.
• When your child is undertaking something new, parents place one hand on their head and pray: May the Lord look upon you with kindness and give you peace. Amen.
• When your family or someone in your family is preparing to take a trip, with hands outstretched pray: As we say goodbye (or leave on our trip) we place this journey in God’s hands. In the paths of peace may the Lord guide you (us) and may He send his holy angel Raphael to accompany you (us) on your (our) way; that safe and sound, in peace and in joy you (we) may return. Amen.
• When celebrating a birthday, place your hand on the one celebrating and pray: God of all creation, we offer you our gratitude for the gift of life. Bless N., who celebrates today the day of his/her birth and rejoices in the gifts of life and love, family and friends. May he/she continue to grow in wisdom, knowledge and grace. Amen.

  -Kathi Probo

Family of Origin

Introduction:

Your family of origin are the people that you consider to be those who raised you and influenced the person that you have become. That is often our mother and father, but for many of us that could a single parent, grandparents, foster parents, our siblings or a combination of these and others. From those people that we consider our family of origin we have learned much about ourselves, the world, and especially about being a parent. Your family of origin has the most powerful impact on how you will approach parenting, even if it’s simply the desire to be like your family or to raise your children differently than your family raised you.

Family of Origin in Early Childhood:

The birth of your first child aligns you more closely with your parents’ generation than any other single event in your life. You move from being in the youngest generation in your family to being "an adult". Being a new parent can bring feelings of fear, excitement, surprise, compassion, insecurity and many more. Your relationship with your family of origin can be a very supportive one that can help you "feel your way" in the first years of being a parent. If your relationship with your family is strained it would be important to find two or three adults that you can utilize for support as you begin your parenting journey.

Young children need parents who respond to their needs and make their children the center of their lives. Young children require a lot of physical energy from the adults who parent them. The building of trust occurs when children have a need; and then an adult that they come to know as caring for them meets that need. New parents who have had a model of supportive, caring adults in their lives will have an easier time establishing this supportive posture with their children. But all children need to have at least one primary caregiver who meets their needs on a consistent basis; that can be a mother or a father.

It is important for parents to model healthy lifestyles, positive attitudes, morals and values and safe living for their children. Parents who were raised with a healthy self-concept will naturally encourage their own children to value their strengths and use their gifts. If, as an adult, you feel insecure about yourself and your abilities, you might not feel confident that you can raise a child who is positive about him or herself. This is when it would be helpful to have supportive adults around you who can help you feel good about yourself as you begin this parenting journey by supporting you and giving you ideas about parenting. If you have no positive adults in your life, it would be a good time to establish a relationship with a parenting network in your church, or your neighborhood or with a counselor or parent support group. It is strength to recognize the need for support in this new role in your life.

Young children need adults in their lives who can keep them safe (baby proof rooms, etc.), provide consistent limits and positive expectations. It is important to encourage their growth, but not set unrealistic expectations. If your son or daughter is often frustrated as a young child, perhaps your family has a pattern of setting expectations much too high. An example of this would be expecting a two year old to be quiet for the entire hour of mass, or expecting a toddler to not touch the TV just because you told them not to touch it one time. It will be important to look over the patterns of your family of origin during these early years; and to choose the behaviors that encourage positive growth and explore alternatives to those behaviors that might interfere in that process.

It will also be important to remember that your child’s emotional well being will be best served by adults who remember to keep themselves and their marriage healthy and happy. It is easy in this stage of your child’s life to get so involved in raising them that you put your own needs and the needs of your marriage on a back burner. That is not a health example of good Christian growth and marriage. It will be important to find a balance of parenting time and adult time.

Baptism in the church with your newborn child can be a re-commitment for you, as parents, of your faith in God. It will also be your commitment to God to pass on to your child, your faith. It will be the beginning step of your child’s journey in their relationship with God. As parents we are our children’s first experience of God’s love on this earth. We should strive to love our children unconditionally as God loves each of us. It is only in the raising of our children in communion with God "that the families of today will be in a position to influence positively the building of a more just and fraternal world." (Familiaris Consortio).

Family of Origin in Middle Childhood:

During Middle Childhood there are two primary factors in a child’s life that now expand their learning. Education in school and experiencing the world through their peer group become two vastly important influences in our children’s lives. The family remains the primary source of learning, but the child now will have these two powerful influences that will often compete with the family for the messages that they deliver.

The parents "awareness that the Lord is entrusting to them the growth of a child of God, a brother or sister of Christ, a temple of the Holy Spirit, a member of the Church, will support Christian parents in their task of strengthening the gift of divine grace in their children's souls." (Familiaris Consortio)

Parenting at this stage of the child’s life can be a busy hectic time filled with school activities, helping with homework, chaperoning or participating in extracurricular activities (i.e. scouts, sports, music lessons, etc.). In the middle years our children begin to understand that every family is not the same as their own and other families believe and act differently than mine. Children will begin to question the rules, the patterns and the values in the family within which they are growing. This is all a very normal and necessary part of growing and understanding the world in which we live.

The families, in which we as parents grew up, will influence how we value education, extracurricular activity participation and the faith that we demonstrate for our children. Again, it is important to look honestly at our families and decide which of their patterns were healthy and supportive and worthy of repeating. It is also important to see which of the patterns were not as helpful and that we might need to find another way to influence our children. Being open to examining ourselves and our past will help us be open to teaching our children and promoting their strength and positive growth. A pattern that will be of particular interest at this stage is sibling relationships. How did the parent interact with his or her siblings? How are those sibling relationships today in adulthood? This can lead to a search for the patterns that promoted strong sibling relationships and those that perhaps interfered with the development of health sibling development. Children will need to be taught to cherish their siblings, interact positively with them, and work out conflicts. Children will learn a lot about interacting with their siblings by observing how their parents interact with their siblings and how their parents interact with their own siblings.

As a parent, you should know that studies show that the more active you are in your child’s school life and extracurricular activities, the better that they will do. Children whose parents are involved in their school life tend to earn better grades and have a more positive experience or the academic environment. The need to balance your participation while letting your child do the learning and experiencing can be a delicate one to work out. Parents should be aware of the activities, teachers and events in their children’s lives, without interfering in the child’s ability to participate and learn on their own. Parents should be a support and assist with homework, when necessary, but not complete the homework for the child. It is your child’s work and play that teach them how to live and grow and use their talents that is important during these years.

These are years when children are the most open to hearing and being influenced by their parents’ moral and values. This is the time in your child’s life when the topics of drugs and alcohol, the value of life from conception to natural death, the valuing of your body and your mind and other topics are important to be conversations. Those conversations or "teachable moments" might occur at the family dinner, in the car on the way to the piano lesson, in the evening as your read a book, or a lazy rainy weekend afternoon while you bake a cake together. What were the values that your family taught you? How did you experience them in your life? How did they help you make good decisions or influence your own growth? Those are some of the subjects that you should find the time to talk to your children about.

Not only should we be passing on the dangers of things such as drugs or alcohol to our children, but we might as they get older share a good or bad experience that we had with those substances that taught us something. We might discuss the relationship that we had with our grandparents and the little things that made those relationships very special such as the smell of grandma’s kitchen or the trips in grandpa’s boat to learn how to fish. Passing on family traditions and patterns helps establish your child’s sense of belonging to a family that extends past their own family of origin to a family that is generational and that gives them a sense of their history. If your children are named after someone in the family, they should understand the reasons that name was chosen and the traits of that person that influenced the naming.

During these middle years, ‘The Christian family constitutes a specific revelation and realization of the ecclesial communion" (Familiaris Consortio). We as parents, show our children how to be a part of a larger family than just the one with whom we live, how to be a part of a neighborhood or school community and how to be a part of a faith community in our parish church. We provide our children an education in their Catholic faith, whether that is in a Catholic school or a CCD program at our parish. We ensure their growth in their faith to include their preparation for the sacraments of Reconciliation and First Eucharist.

Family of Origin in Adolescence:

Adolescence is often the most trying and difficult time for the majority of parents. Our children’s primary task at this stage of their development is to separate themselves from their family of origin; to begin the task of developing the autonomy that it will take to lead their own lives in adulthood. This can be a very painful process for both the child and the parents.

Adolescents are naturally more invested in the influence and support of their peers and the adults who are in activities that they value, than they are in their parents’ views of them and the world. That is not to say that they are not still concerned about their parents’ thoughts and having their support. However, they now realize that they can do many things on their own; and as they feel more confidence in their own strengths they will try to increase their autonomy within their household. This striving for autonomy will lead to growth and confidence with the good experiences and insecurity and hesitation after the negative experiences. For all the bravado that adolescents often display they are still growing children who need parental influence and guidance. (They also need our prayers.)

Parents usually find adolescence a challenging period in their relationship with their child. It will be important to think back to your own adolescence within your family of origin and remember the experience not only from your own perspective as the child, but also to try to remember and learn as much about your parents’ experience of that time. Your siblings and your family can be of great support to you during this difficult stage with your own child. If this was a particularly challenging or negative time in your own development within your family, it might be helpful to find someone that you are comfortable talking with to help support you as your parent your child during adolescence.

Parents’ of adolescents will need to balance giving your child greater freedom and responsibility in their lives with staying in touch enough to help and support them in a positive way. They will also need to be aware of their friends and patterns of behaviors enough to confront them if they should venture into a path of behavior that could be harmful or dangerous. This delicate balance of letting go and staying connected is difficult for many adults and is often simply learned by examining a situation, talking it over, making a decision, then monitoring the results. Only then might we know if we made the correct decision. Parents need to be prepared to make mistakes and to accept their children’s mistakes. The important thing is that everyone is open to learning from those mistakes.

It can be challenging for parents of adolescents to separate their own "unfinished business" of their relationships with their family of origin during this stage of interacting with their children. If adolescence was particularly painful or destructive or simply stressful for you as a person, those experiences can and will influence how you parent your children during this phase. Often, our unresolved anger or disillusionment or insecurities that began in adolescence can re-surface and cloud our judgment and perceptions. Patience and openness to new ideas will help, but may not be enough. It will be more important for parents to be communicating during this phase of parenting than any other. If you are a single parent, or even for two parents co-parenting, a support network can be very helpful to weather the storm of adolescence.

Parents need to remember that the adolescent children still need parents who are supportive, loving, firm and flexible. The adolescents still need parents, not friends. Friendship with your children will occur in their adulthood, not in this stage. It can be tempting to blur the lines of the generations at this stage by sharing decision making about adult responsibilities and engage your children on a more adult to adult role. This is especially true for a single parent, or a parent who is not feeling supported by their spouse. However, this will leave the parent in a weakened position with their child and can lead to an overly enmeshed relationship or a child adopting the parental role. Neither of these is healthy for the adolescent.

Family of Origin in Young Adults:

Parents of young adults have mixed feelings. After 18 or more years of parenting your child it is often difficult to "let go" and watch them make decisions that will influence the rest of their lives and over which you have very little control. The habits of watching, teaching, sometimes overriding decisions or making the decisions will have to change. But the love and caring that we feel for our children will continue on forever. We, as parents, must learn to step back and become less of an influence in our children’s lives and decisions, yet continue to support and guide them when appropriate.

Another major factor that will influence how easily a parent adapts to "letting go" of their now adult child is how the parent feels about their own life at this time. Often parents haven’t envisioned their life beyond parenting years and struggle to find their own identity again now that the primary parenting years are ending. An adult, who has primarily identified himself or herself as a parent, may struggle to allow the adult child the freedom and autonomy that they need in order to not deal with loneliness, isolation, marital issues or the "empty nest".

A good indicator of how you might handle this stage in your relationship with your child will be an honest view of how you have interacted or still interact with your own family in adulthood. A healthy, respectful relationship with your own parents in adulthood can lead you to honor your own child’s need for respect and autonomy. If your relationship with your parents in adulthood was conflicted, stilted, strained or severed you may find it difficult to handle the intense emotions that arise as your child begins to decrease the intensity with which they interact and connect with their parents.

Married couples often find the need to re-connect with each other as adults at this stage, sometimes with the help of a family/marital therapist. As the time and energy that was spent in parenting decreases, couples sometimes find they have forgotten how to interact on a purely adult to adult level without the children as the primary focus in their relationship. This can be a time of great strengthening and re-uniting for parents in their marriage. It can also be a time of great freedom to explore new activities in their own lives that there was not time for during the years of intense parenting. Often older adults become more active in their church and its ministries, healthier activities such as yoga or aerobics, or simply increased time to read or participate in sports or hobbies.

However, some married couples may find the disconnection threatening to their relationship and difficult to navigate toward a reconnection and may drift apart. Finding models of healthy adult relationships in your family of origins for this period of time may be one way of addressing any concerns. Or finding current models in your circle of friends or church community and inviting them to dinner to talk over this stage might help you find a way to begin the task of re-connecting with your spouse. ‘The gift of Jesus Christ is not exhausted in the actual celebration of the sacrament of marriage, but rather accompanies the married couple throughout their lives." (Familiaris Consortio). If parents can pray for the strengthening of their marital bond during this time, Christ can be a source of comfort and an example of love for each partner.

A single parent might find it particularly difficult to "let go" for the same reasons married couples do. The same looking for models in their family of origin or in their friends or work place can be advantageous for them as well.

The adult child will learn from their parents how to have a health relationship with their own children by watching how we relate to them during this stage as well as all the others. We will influence our grandchildren’s family of origin by being mindful of the way we are interacting with our children and the values and traditions that we are passing down to our own children. By creating patterns of love and respect with our own children, we create traditions and patterns that they will pass on to their children and to the generations after them. We will be Christ in our children and their children’s lives.

Family of Origin with Special Needs Children:

Special Needs Children require more from parents than health typical children will, they will may also stir up more unresolved issues from their own family of origin. Parents who find themselves raising a child with special needs may feel inadequate for the task, may struggle with not having the "perfect child" that they dreamed of, in fact will have to mourn the child they thought they would have in order to better love and deal with the child they needs them in a very special way.

There is an interesting story of a person who books a vacation to France and gets off the plane to find they have been inadvertently flown to Holland. They have two choices: they can be angry, complain and spend their time in Holland trying to get to France. Or they can enjoy the beauty and wonder of the windmills and tulips and the culture of this equally marvelous and intriguing country. That story is often told to parents of special needs children. Parents can mourn forever the child they thought they would have, or they can mourn that child as they fall in love with the child that they do have and become equally engaged in the delights and moments of joy that this special child will bring them. As adults the choice is ours to make.

It is especially important for parents of special needs children to become educated in their child’s special needs and the resources that are available to them to help this child live a life that is the fullest that they can accomplish. Resources exist for special needs children from birth to adulthood and even into adulthood. Educated parents who are willing to explore resources can help their child find ways to live a rich and full life. The saying that "God never gives us more than we can handle" is especially applicable to the parents of a special needs child. But that is not meant to imply that the parents are given the ability to meet all of the child’s needs. Instead, what God will give them are the ways to find resources that can help with the needs of their child.

Special needs children bring particular stressors to parents and to their marriages. It will be important to balance this child’s needs with the other children’s needs. It will also be important for the parents of a special needs child to maintain a balance of this child’s needs and the needs of these parents to care for themselves and their marriage. Too high a focus on this child and their needs can lead to stress that is unhealthy for the adults, the marriage and the child and his or her siblings.

The siblings of special needs children will need extra guidance from their parents on how to accept the needs and the differences of this child and how to support this child as a sibling. Often young children will not be as aware of the differences in this child as they will be later on in their lives. However, the possible increased attention by the parents and other adults’ may lead to feelings of jealousy, anger and confusion. Parents’ openness and honest with their other children will help them accept and love and support this child in ways the parents’ cannot. They are the first peer group for this child. How other children will accept this child will be influenced by how this child’s siblings accept and support him or her. It is important for the parents to remember that this child’s siblings may be the ones who will help care for or advocate for this child as an adults after the parents have died or become unable to care for this child as they might need to in adulthood. Helping siblings develop a respect and love for all of their siblings increases their chances of a sibling support system in adulthood.

Parents of a Special Needs child may find it particularly important to look to their family of origin for attitudes and values about being different and how children are treated who cannot participate fully in family traditions (i.e. certain sports, higher education, etc.). Being aware of those family attitudes might help pave the way to some education of family members of different ways of dealing with those differences. It will also help the parents find family members who can be of support in dealing with this child.

Parents of Special Needs children can often find support groups and resources with other parents of children who have a similar disability or special need as their own child. These groups and resources can help with the particular stressors and situations that might arise with a special needs child.

"There is no family that does not know how selfishness, discord, tension and conflict violently attack and at times mortally wound its own communion: hence there arise the many and varied forms of division in family life. But, at the same time, every family is called by the God of peace to have the joyous and renewing experience of "recon- ciliation", that is, communion reestablished, unity restored." (Familiaris Consortio)

It will be especially important for parents of a special needs child to learn to forgive themselves, each other and others often throughout their journey with this child, and to re-establish the peace and joy that God offers to us. Special needs children can have a full communion and spiritual life in the church. Contact the religious education office of your local parish or your diocese.

-Kathy Yarzebinski

Parenting Resources:  Special Needs Children

I. Family Spirituality - Learning through the Church

Faith development of a child with special needs is experienced more specifically through the parents' love for the church of Jesus Christ. Special children get to know Jesus through acted-out stories of the Gospels. Through these they feel Jesus" love for them in a personal way. They feel God's love for them through music and singing. They feel God's love for them when we, their parents, tuck them into bed at night, even when they know they are too big to be tucked in. They feel God's love when we sign them with the cross, or when we pray together for special intentions. Faith development for our special needs children is much like our own - sometimes static and sometimes explosive. As parents, we need to continually remind our children how very much they are loved and appreciated by God.

II. Family of Origin - Learning through our Family

In a world that values intelligence, ability and productivity, what can we learn from the children whose productivity and abilities do not match the world's standards? As parents of developmentally disabled children, we cry out with so many answers. Patience, humility, compassion, increased faith, and love are some of the answers that our children give to us, just to mention a few.

Developmentally disabled children have a certain spirit and simplicity. They have an honesty that seems to dominate them regardless of how high or how low their I.Q.

As parents of children with special needs, we all know that there are many hills and valleys along the road of life. The challenges at times seem overwhelming. To compensate. God gives us special gifts that we do not experience with our other children. One of the many gifts that we experience is their ability to help us feel the real presence of God in our lives through their innocence, holiness, simplicity and reverence.

III. Home Rituals and Traditions - Ordinary Life is Sacred

Family rituals and customs that have been handed down from generation to generation are very important to our children. Sometimes these rituals and customs are integrated within the ethnic and spiritual background of a family. It is this connectedness that enhances and enriches the faith, and is especially meaningful to special children. Here are a few suggestions.

All Saints Day

This day can be celebrated in place of Halloween. A party can be held with several families, each one coming dressed as their favorite saint. Everyone shares a little synopsis of the saint and why they chose this person. Instead of "trick or treating", everyone brings a food item to be donated to a food bank or specific family in need. The children learn that it is more important to give than to receive.

Thanksgiving

Some parishes have bread that is made by parishioners, and blessed and distributed at the Thanksgiving Day Mass. These small loaves of bread have a Thanksgiving prayer attached to them. Each family takes home a loaf of bread to share at the Thanksgiving meal. Before eating the meal, each person breaks off a small piece of the bread and passes it on to the next person, and shares what he/she is most thankful for. The eldest person (usually a grandparent) starts the prayer, and everyone follows.

Another family builds a fire in their fireplace (or the back yard) and before the Thanksgiving meal, everyone gathers around and writes on a small piece of paper what they are thankful for, and as it is placed in the fire, the person shares the note with everyone, symbolizing their offering of thanks to God.

Advent

The Advent wreath is an excellent symbol in preparing for the Christ Child's birth. The Advent wreath has four candles for the four weeks of Advent. A new candle is lit at the beginning of each week, until all four candles are lighted the Sunday before Christmas. At meal time, or bed time, the candles are lit and special prayers are said with all members of the family participating. The candles symbolize Christ bringing the light

of the world and how we are preparing our hearts and minds to receive Him at Christmas.

One family uses a small crib from their manger and asks all their children to place a piece of hay in the crib every time they are kind or helpful to someone. Preparing the crib for Jesus symbolizes their preparing for Christ to come to their hearts.

Some families secretly choose the name of a family member out of a hat, and call them their Advent Angel. They are to perform special kindnesses over the four weeks of Advent, and at Christmas Mass they give that person a gift, revealing their name.

Some churches have a Giving Tree, where names of families in need are placed on small paper ornaments. The first Sunday of Advent, each family member takes one ornament from the tree and purchases a special gift for that person. The children can help to pay for, select and wrap the gift to be brought to church and presented during the offertory at Mass on the third Sunday of Advent. The families can also participate in sorting and distributing the gifts.

Lent

Lent is often a time when we think of sacrifice and giving up some pleasures (such as giving up candy or sweets). These are well and good, but encouraging your child to do something for someone else is an even more positive way to show our love for God and each other.

Going to the Stations of the Cross with your child is a good way to remind them about the Crucifixion and death of Jesus.

Palm Sunday

On Palm Sunday, take home some palm leaves and make them into crosses that can be placed in a room in the home.

Easter Sunday

In preparation for Easter, some traditionally decorate Easter eggs, others prepare special Easter bread. In some churches, the bread or a basket of food is brought to the Church to be blessed for the Easter meal.

Family rituals for celebrating the feast of the Church are an excellent way to teach and to live the faith for the entire family, and these are easy ways to teach the faith to special children.

IV. Marriage Enrichment - Impact on the Family

The deep concerns we as parents feel when confronted with news that our child will require special care and education are universal. As parents, we had hopes and dreams for this baby. Will she graduate from my Alma Mater? Will he be a fine athlete like his Dad? Now, suddenly, we are looking at a long and very unfamiliar road.

As parents, we run the gamut of emotions. Some of us feel angry and sad, or alone and helpless. Others deal with self-blame, denial, guilt and fear. But for most of us, we ask through our tears - "how do I parent a child who is mentally challenged?"

On the unfamiliar road of parenthood, we conclude that, regardless of the disability a child may have, the role of the parents is always the same: to love this child as unconditionally as is humanly possible.

Parents may not think that their shoulders are strong enough for the long journey ahead. But, did not Jesus need help on His journey? As a parent, I found that our other children were most willing to help their sister. They felt important and responsible when asked to lend a hand.

We are not alone. We have more similarities than differences as parents. One thing we have learned as families is that ensuring a healthy coping style is easier said than done. We have discovered as a family that each member could be loving and patient one minute, and feel angry and frustrated the next. So, no matter how difficult parenting may be one minute, it will surely turn to joy and laughter the next minute. Keep in mind that a sense of humor is essential!

Through God's loving kindness, we are able to meet head on the challenges of parenting a child with special needs. We need not be alone. We need the support and experiences of those who have been down this road, and those who are traveling with us. With the help and support of parent groups all across the country, we are not alone. We will encounter many "Simons' and "Veronicas" to help us to be the best we can be for our children.

As parents, we are humbled every day by the Christ-like attributes of our children with disabilities, and recognize how very much we have learned from each of them. Our children have a power that cannot be expressed in words. The powerful of the world have an agenda and demand answers. Our children have no agenda, but, by their presence, we come to understand love. It is by looking into their eyes that we come to see and experience Jesus' love.

Teach us. Lord, to be led by our children.

-Taken from Parents Speaking to Parents by Susan DiPiero and Nancy Gannon.

Family Spirituality and the Life Stages from Infancy to Young Adults

Spirituality is one of the words that everyone uses without bothering to explain. There is a certain fluidity and uniqueness to some understandings of spirituality. You may here people speaking of Monastic Spirituality, Franciscan Spirituality which refers to how a given order or people pray and how they practice their ideal of holiness, charity and service to others. Most basically, spirituality is the way we consciously lead the Christian life. It is the actions and behaviors that are governed by an unconditional love of God. Spirituality is life with God and towards God. All Christian Spirituality must be rooted in the Lord Jesus Christ. Spirituality is all about roots. Roots are family, racial, ethnic and cultural linkages and memories. Ultimately, spirituality defies all human language and we must endeavor to be attuned to the stories, testimonies, songs, traditions and prayers of our families. Prayer, personal and communal, is an intrinsic component of spirituality; prayer supports, frames and expresses a Christian’s relationship with God. Spirituality has never been a product but a process evidenced in a family’s lifestyle. Families help to develop a spirituality that allows children and family members to be the people of God in their behaviors and actions. Therefore, Spirituality must encompass morals, which are those practiced values that greatly influence behavior and attitudes toward each other and toward the environment and society. The development of the spiritual life involves the practice of values that will supplant the prevalent oppressive values of individualism, dog-eat-dog competition, anything for money, and materialistic consumerism which society appears to have adopted wholesale.

Throughout the life stages, children learn Spirituality when parents model values that lie at the heart of the family. The values that children may focus on include such things as the meaning of prayer or sacred symbols such as the Bible, or a quiet corner that becomes a retreat for time and space with God. In families children also learn the value of conversations either at mealtime or sitting in a family room where all can converse and share what is happening in their life. Today’s families are challenged to find ways to encounter moments that are sacred and divine as family. These moments may be in the ordinary celebrations of life, baptisms, rites of passages such as adolescents in confirmation ceremonies, or graduation from high school or college for passages into young adulthood. Family birthdays should be love feast that are ritualized by all the family as a way of supporting self-identity and affirmation of the children developing into the gifts that God gave the family.

Children know that they are loved and wanted in the infancy stage of life when they are totally dependent on their parents. As children receive appropriate and consistent care they develop a sense of security. Infants that have their needs met consistently in a warm and nurturing manner learn that the world is a safe place and that people are dependable. Children who are loved develop a sense of attachment to their parents and family and they acquire knowledge about the world and how it works.

In the life stage of early childhood children developmentally are struggling for independence and self-mastery. While they are pushing for independence they are also overwhelmed with feelings of dependence during ages two to five years old. The most profound changes during this life stage are social and emotional growth and language acquisition that is fostered in play. Children are also developing a gender and racial identity by the age of five.

Middle childhood is the stage in life that begins at age six and ends at age twelve, when adolescence begins. In middle childhood games and play form a common children’s culture that they can control and that belongs to no one but them (Konner, 1991). Children at this age create their own rules in their busy activity of play. Rousseau, the philosopher, said that the work of children is play (Rousseau, 1991). Play is their work and they learn and grow form it. The family in this life stage also spends a great deal of time interfacing with the school where children spend half of their waking hours in education and play. A key developmental focus during this stage is how successfully children adapt to friendships and peer groups.

In the next life stage, defined as adolescence beginning about twelve years of age and ending around nineteen or late adolescence, development is marked the establishment of identity. Who am I? How am I different from others? What do I want to do with my life? Adolescents must carve out their place in the world. During early adolescence the concerns of young people focus on physical appearance and how others perceive how I look. In late adolescence, young people are concerned about two important tasks: independence from family and the development of personal identity.

As the young person develops into young adulthood, the next life stage that spans ages twenty-two to thirty-four the focus shifts from a preoccupation with personal identity to a concern for intimacy and the establishment of a stable career path. The most critical developmental tasks at this stage are economic independence and independent decision-making. Young adulthood is the time to focus on choices in love, occupation, friendship, values and lifestyle. In many ways, everything that has taken place before this stage can be considered preparation for adulthood.

Adulthood: Families support young adults as they grow in their spirituality so that they are able assume responsibility for their ideas, feelings and strive towards self-actualization, engaging in cooperative interactions, and having the capacity for intimate and personal relationships within the family and larger society.

Because the family is the fundamental human community and the first vital cell of society, no group has a greater impact on society than the family (Vatican II Documents, 1966). Pope John Paul II when speaking in Kenya in 1980 said of the family, "Beloved brothers and sisters, all the families that make up the Church and all the individuals that make up the families, all of us together are called to walk with Christ, bearing witness to His truth in circumstances of our daily lives. In doing this, we can permeate society with the leaven of the Gospel, which alone can transform it into Christ’s kingdom—a kingdom of truth and life, a kingdom of holiness and grace, a kingdom of justice, love and peace! Amen." (Vatican Documents, 1980) This is a testament to what families are called to do in supporting the development of family spirituality in the home throughout the life cycle of the children entrusted to them by God. When families provide opportunities for children to discover the divine source within them through nurturing and education they are helping their children to know and develop their identity, purpose and direction in life. Then the children will see the Church not as the place where the family lives out its faith, but rather as the place where the family is empowered to act on behalf of God’s Kingdom.

Family spirituality is more than bringing your children up to be good Catholic Christians. It involves giving the tools they need to make their own choices and expand their own awareness. It means being present to them in every aspect of their development. It also means learning to speak their language, providing them with the emotional foods they need to grow, and treating them with as much respect as you would an adult friend or family member. It means putting them first—above everything else in your life because they are God’s gifts to you as parents and gifts from God are holy and sacred.

Parents are the core lifeline for children and in that role, it is important to help your child or children to develop a spiritual grounding that will anchor them throughout life in times of celebration and challenge. As parents, you are not always aware of the spoken messages and unspoken actions that you send but children watch everything you do and say. In the early years of life, children have very keen attentive skills and parents must cultivate those skills with spiritual DNA. In many families and cultural traditions, we understand the concept of "legacy" as that in which one-generation passes to the next the family’s culture, history and traditions. The "passing on" is viewed as a time honored and sacred act of preservation. Young families can establish spiritual legacies that children will find value and develop throughout their lives. There are many ways that parents can help children to grow in their spiritual development and over the years, as a parent, I have found the following to be meaningful in my life and the lives of my children.

• Develop prayers and identify a scripture verse(s) that will grow with the child and become a mantra or comforting thought or saying in times of stress

My husband taught our daughter this scripture, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13. This scripture has been her daily prayer through many difficult and trying moments and in times of great excitement and joy. It has the power to give comfort in times of challenge, gratitude, and thanksgiving for accomplishments. Today, our daughter is a young adult and that scripture prayer hangs over her office computer as a central reminder of the power of Jesus in her life.

Set aside time for prayer in your home either at night or if you eat dinner together get the children in the mind set of giving thanks and praise to God for gifts of food, family and friends

Children will learn to pray and talk with and to God if it is natural and an ordinary act of their daily life. Create moments in your day that become everyday ordinary times to pray. Help children to understand that talking to God, praying, is like calling a friend or family member and sharing the news of the day in your life. Let your children see you praying. Growing up, I remember finding my mother in quiet moments with her rosary laced through her fingers and when she noticed you, she would say pray the rosary with me. There were also those moments when we would come to the kitchen table for breakfast and my mom would ask, "Did you thank God for getting you up today?" I find myself asking my son that everyday when he seems so preoccupied with his world and I will say, "Did you thank God for getting you up today?" This is a gentle reminder to him that before you get busy with the world, thank God for giving you another day to busy yourself with the tasks of the day. As children grow older, help them to focus on developing personal time alone in prayer. For more years than I can remember, I have tried to mark milestones or passages in our children’s lives with inspirational spiritual books, quotes found on bookmarks or cards and reflective materials that cause you to think about your relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I am a lover of the Holy Spirit because I find so much strength and wisdom in prayers to the Holy Spirit. Spiritual gifts are great motivators for creating everyday ordinary moments of prayer. As a parent, I see the fruits of the spiritual seeds we have sewn as I look at the large collection of spiritual reading materials that our daughter has developed throughout her life. Use the milestones or passages in the lives of your children to help them focus on their life’s journey and God’s plan in their plans.

• Establish family rituals around celebrations of family, seasons of the year, events in society—the idea is to get your children to see that all that they do and are is a gift from God and He deserves praise and thanksgiving for everything

Family gatherings offer wonderful opportunities for spiritual sharing beyond saying grace in Thanksgiving for the often feasts of plenty. When families come together for weddings and funerals the events signal either a celebration of new life in two becoming one or the celebration for a life lived and the new life to come in the Homecoming of the deceased loved one. In either event, the celebration is one of promises to come and thanksgiving. Many times, we lose site of this in our joy or grief but these two events are truly wonderful times of and for testimonies to God’s wonder and power. Now no ones goes to a family wedding or funeral thinking about their testimony or how awesome God is and has been in there life. However, parents can help children to see these two events of life as a means of celebrating God’s gifts of family, joy, pain and love in the conversations leading up to and after the wedding or funeral. The developmental journey of life must mesh with our spiritual journey on earth toward heaven or eternal life with Jesus. Family gatherings are also wonderful times to remind us of our faith and that although families may be of many different faith perspectives you are all children of God. You can demonstrate this by calling on God to be in the midst of the gathering by establishing a time of Blessing that signals the opening of the family reunion, Holiday party etc. Families can create prayers or ritualize a favorite scripture or ancestral saying of wisdom to mark in an intentional and meaningful way God’s presence amongst them.

• Develop a sence of spirituality that helps them to understand prayer as a calming, reflective and peaceful activity in their lives. Discuss the ways in which prayer, their conversation with God, and scripture readings are a source and guide in discerning relationships, moral choices, friendships and personal and social actions

It is human nature to seek God in times of crisis, fear and confusion and because God is an ever present God, He will be there for you; however, as parents you want to model, for your children, a daily walk with God. Let them see and hear you praising, giving thanks and leaning on God in joyous times and in times of trials and tribulations. When storms are raging in your life, their life and the lives of family and friends share with them the testimonies of how God makes a way out of no way and that He is helping you to get through the day and find peace. Do not be afraid to share the challenges of life, for example, money is always an issue in that life comes at you with unexpected expenses or there in simply never enough to do all the things that you want. Children today understand that money is necessary for the expenses comforts and the necessities of life and they worry today, more than any generation before them, about where the money will come from. As a parent, you must help them understand that you will do all that you can do and then you will give it to God and walk by faith. Invariably the God comes through and when He does, share that testimony with your children. Help them to see your faith in action and the power of prayer in your life. The teen years are, as I hear many wise older women say, "the years that keep you on your knees". Today, youth need spiritual guidance in making healthy choices in relationships, moral behavior and personal actions. Talk with your teens and young adults about developing a strong relationship with God through prayer and scripture readings. Encourage them to become active in their church community in order to receive the support and guidance from their extended family of God. Do not be afraid to discuss God with them. Remind them always about the fact that they are a gift from God and that He loves them and will always be there for them. A strong spiritual foundation will anchor your children through some of the teen years’ most exacting challenges. When children are in crisis, unhappy, or filled with joy offer to pray with them and pray for them within the family. Work the saying, "A family that prays together stays together".

As children grow and develop, take note of opportunities to discuss their understanding of spirituality. Share with them why it is important for them to develop into a person that has a strong spiritual relationship with God. Clarify questions that children may have about God and faith. Discuss what it means to be Catholic and talk with them about the Catholic faith and the spiritual gifts and blessings that are essential to their faith: prayer, the Bible, the sacraments especially Eucharist and Reconciliation, a life of compassion, respect and service to and for others and care for oneself. In catechetical formation, the Church acknowledges, that parents are the child’s first teachers and in that role you are called to help your child or children to develop their spirituality and their relationship with God. Your work as the spiritual director(s) in the life of your child/ren is a "24/7" calling. You are in tune with the daily events in the lives of your children because they provide the ordinary everyday happenings, emotional and social responses to assist in developing family and personal prayers. You are also attentive to life’s movements as ways to explain God’s power and ever present Spirit. Your Bible and countless other books and stories about your family will provide examples of God’s love, power and faithfulness to those who knew Him and had an intimate relationship with Him.

Works Cited

"The Message to Christian Families," 324, as set forth in the Dogmatic Constitution of the Church, no. 11, in The Documents of Vatican II, the Synod of Bishops, 1966.

"The Message to Christian Families in the Modern World," the 1080 World Synod of Bishops’ in Origins 10 (November 6, 1980): 326. In a commentary, the editor notes that numerous addresses were given on the inculturation and adaptation of church practice in differing cultural situations.

Rousseau, M. F. (1991). Community: The tie that binds. Landbarn: University Press of America, Inc.

-Veronica Morgan-Lee,Ph.D.     June 2005